If I Stay (Week 17)

January 29, 2016

"I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard."

This is probably the truest thing I've heard in the past week honestly. Here we have Mia, trying to find all of these ways to get herself back into her body so she can live on, wanting to hold on for the sake of those who care about her when she could easily give up and just fall into whatever happens after death. Fighting is always harder than giving up. Taking a stand or position on an issue is always harder and more involved than ignoring it. This is symbolic of a key lesson of life, a lesson that I've had to face constantly in my mere 16 years, and a lesson I have reminded my peers of an innumerable amount of times. I'll use my cousin as a personal example.

My cousin is 12 years old. Only in 7th grade. She's pretty young and is going through one of the easiest years in middle school. I remember when I was in 7th grade myself, having plenty of time to do whatever I wanted, never inhibited by the intensity of homework. However, she isn't happy. She's bullied incessantly by her peers in school, in person and online due to her appearance and sexual orientation, and is suffering mentally and emotionally from it. I love my cousin dearly, and I want her to be happy, so I talk to her periodically to make sure she's okay. Countless times she has texted me describing how she self harmed after being told another insult, how easy it would be to kill herself right now. Her family has had to remove sharp objects from the house entirely OR lock them up in a place she's unaware of to keep her from harming herself. And honestly, she wants to give up. Being in her situation, I'm sure anyone would. And she reminds me of her daily struggles of wanting to continue on with her life and pretend that the comments don't bother her. I always tell her that she's young and has lots to live for (even if she doesn't believe it) and tell her that it will get better, it always does. So she takes my advice and keeps pushing through. She could easily give up if she wanted to, and she has gotten so very close many times, but she continues on. It's hard. 

However, because it's harder, it's worth more in the end. The easy way out never feels rewarding because you put forth minimal effort. The process is grueling, you get tired and unmotivated and sad in the midst of it, but you feel empowered once you finally get through. Keep calm and carry on, folks. It always gets better in some respect. It always does.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Week 22)

Poor Charlie is so hung up on Sam even though she's a few years older. She told him not to think of her that because they won't be able to be  together, and Charlie took her advice. Anything that reminds him of her he basically blocks out. Very true to his word. But he likes her a lot, and everything about her.

I think this is the perfect time to talk about crushes, don't you think?

If there is one thing that my close friends know about me is that I hate crushes. I hate them, I do. And people ask me why because they're fun and make you giggly and awkward and makes good memories. Although this all might be true, they are such n incredible waste of time and energy ESPECIALLY when you are perfectly aware that they don't like you and probably won't ever like you back. What's the point in investing so much time while missing out on school lessons and friends' conversations because you're stuck in your daydreams?? As emotional and sensitive as I am, I hate it so much, yet I still engage in the behavior.

I have had so few crushes in my life because I never really paid attention to those things as much as the average teenaged girl would. I don't seek attention, I don't dress provocatively (and refuse to) and I won't change myself to be more appealing either. And appearance isn't my main concern! I think this really sets me apart from the majority. You can't base a person's potential, ability or personality on their appearance, and these things mean so much more in the long run. So why must we focus solely on external qualities??? It bothers me so much. With Charlie, he obviously recognized her external beauty initially when he met her and then really started to like her after he got to know her better. This is exactly how the train of thought should work. In Sam's case, she's beautiful inside and out, but not everyone is like that. You have to be careful and selective, people!!!! That's the only way you'll get what you actually want without getting hurt in the end.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Week 21)

People really seem to think that Charlie is good at keeping secrets, because at a party with Patrick and Sam, he found Patrick and his friend Brad kissing. Clearly, Patrick is gay and is open about it, but Brad is not. Patrick told Charlie that Brad wasn't ready for anyone else to know, so he wanted Charlie to keep it to himself. Seeing that this isn't some type of crisis, Charlie accepts stays quiet. And I applaud Charlie for knowing when and when not to speak up, because he could really find himself in some trouble.

I think it's an important skill to have, a skill that I have developed over the years. After my dark days in elementary, I started fresh in 6th grade. I remember the words of my mother clearly: "Remember, Bianca... Mind your business. Let people talk and don't comment. You'll hear a lot more that way." And boy was she right! Being that I was quiet and level-headed even at 10-11 years old, people would easily come up to me to vent about people or things bothering them. I would occasionally interject to show that I was paying attention and  following along but keep quiet for most of the conversation to allow them to open up entirely. This worked for me ever since. I find the most random of people feeling safe and free from judgment with me. Now I have such a broad array of knowledge and secrets about so many different people, but because I am a person true to their word, I never disclose anything I hear. It's a really cool position to be in, honestly, because you get to see people from a different perspective and get to know them a little deeper than the average peer. Charlie could easily be that person because he has the personality for it. He needs more recognition because he's a really cool guy when you read through his letters. I'd be friends with him. #teamcharlie

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Week 20)

*** BEWARE: These next few posts will be rants.

Poor little Charlie is often ignored or pushed aside by his siblings, especially his sister. Therefore, when Charlie witnessed his sister's boyfriend hit his sister after she repeatedly made fun of him and told him to defend himself, he was forced to keep quiet about it. Though it could be argued that she was aggravating him and pressuring him to "defend himself" explicitly, he did not have to resort to physical violence.

That got me thinking... Should we have to keep quiet of the bad things we witness of other people for their sake, or should we speak up for their own good?

I honestly think it depends on the situation, as some may have complications when brought up with a second party, but more times than not, you should get them help. So many times I have watched friendships fall apart because they "snitched" and told someone about the problem. They get extremely upset and shut them out, only to find that without them speaking up, they wouldn't have been able to totally change their life and get better. I can never be 100% on my stances on situations like this because I always take exceptions and loopholes into account, and we wouldn't want to undermine the effort, even with good intentions. In Charlie's situation, I would want him to tell someone that would listen to him, which he does. He tells about it to his best friend Patrick and Patrick handles the situation maturely and mentions it to Charlie's parents. Charlie's sister still hasn't forgiven him for it, but she'll learn eventually. They always do.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Week 19)

This book has an interesting style. I love novels written in journal form because it seems more realistic, you know? Sometimes it's nice to read fiction with realistic elements.

Charlie is an interesting person. He isn't super popular at school, he can't really dance, and he's a bit shy. He's a wallflower, as his friend Patrick mentions. And I feel like I can connect with him because I used to be like that, sort of.

I'm pretty sure I've told about my life in elementary before in one of these posts, but I'll talk about it in a different light. I moved to Marlton in 3rd grade. Being that most of my peers were 8 or 9 and had lived in Marlton all their life, they had grown up with their friends. Where I had previously lived in North Jersey, I had been extremely social. However, when I moved here, I started having problems IMMEDIATELY. Kids had their owns groups of friends and weren't really willing to let new people in. I looked physically different from them, being black with red hair, and the minority population in my school was extremely scarce. I can't really blame them, as they aren't totally used to seeing people outside of their race, but that didn't lessen how much it hurt to be excluding from EVERYTHING. My natural confidence dwindled to nothingness and my reputation tarnished. The girl that once loved being the center of attention was now getting more satisfaction from hiding in the shadows to escape the terrors of elementary school students. It sounds like I'm over exaggerating, but 8-9 year olds are HARSH!!

With this in mind, I really feel like I can fully understand how Charlie fits into the feudal society, if you may, of school. I was once in his place.

If I Stay (Week 18)

I love the ending of this book. It's just perfect.

After two days of exploration, trying to understand how to "stay" if she even had the choice to, all she really needed was her  boyfriend. In his presence, she could feel again... She could finally feel like herself, all the aches and pains from the terrible car accident.

What happened was her boyfriend Adam came and tried ridiculously hard to see her, and once he finally received the opportunity, he cried deeply. This was something that Mia had never witnessed before, as she mentioned on several occasions. It broke her heart to see him in such deep pain. And just like any boyfriend should, he exposed her to the love of her life: cello music. Mia is a serious cello player and is great at what she does, so when Adam put the headphones in her ears and played Yo-Yo Ma, she beamed internally. It was really what she needed. And just like that, Mia felt her spirit reenter her tangible body and could physically hear Adam as he spoke to her. He took her hand and with every ounce of strength she had, she squeezed his.

I know a lot of people aren't a fan of sappy romance stories with cliché endings, but I love all types of stories. That ending made me smile because it allowed my inner typical teenaged girl to come out haha. However, I do personally prefer more realistic stories. As much as meeting the boy of your dreams in your biology class in 10th grade and him falling for you several months after is an entertaining thought, I feel like it sets up unrealistic expectations for these girls in elementary and middle school. I must tell you... After all those Sarah Dessen books, I was deeply saddened and annoyed about how UNACTIVE my social and romantic life in high school was (and still is) in freshman year. Let's be real, folks... That one guy in your science class (why is it always science??) that doesn't even know your name is not going to spontaneously notice you and fall for you. High school isn't all its cracked up to be. Don't get your hopes up.